Why It's Tough To Write

As most of you who actually follow my blog can pretty quickly figure out, I write off the cuff a bit.  My writing style is to sit down with an idea and just, write.  To the detriment of my professionalism, I generally don’t come back to the page and re-read my thoughts, spell check, and all that fun stuff.  I just write what’s on my mind and walk away.  I’ve been working on this over the past year or so, re-reading and such.  But, I’m not going to lie, I am not a professional writer.  On the other hand, I really enjoy it.  I honestly don’t care that I’m not a professional writer, I just enjoy getting my crazy thoughts down on paper on a regular basis.  It feels good. 

Um, on that “regular basis” concept, yeah, not so great.  Is it a coincidence that I have been writing less as I’ve realized more and more people started following the blog and I began getting some criticism for my crappy writing?  Maybe.  But I think it’s more my state of mind that has led me to write less and less. 

I know that with every post in the past few months comes a statement about how I’ll be better about posting on a regular schedule, and it hasn’t happened.  So, today's post is going to do what I like to do best, analyze stuff.  And I want to analyze (in not too crazy detail) why the hell I haven’t been writing very much lately.  It’s kind of like my streakiness with reading.  There are times when I can sit down and bang out like 3-5 books in a month.  It’s exciting, it’s energizing, and it makes me feel smarter.  But then, all of a sudden I just can’t make it though a few pages.  Like right now.  I have a handful of books I want to read and I just can’t do it; so I watch movies and TV shows (I’m actually watching “Warrior” as I write).  Upon sitting down and thinking about it for a little, I have found that my writing streaks coincide with my reading streaks, as in, I write more when I’m able to read.  Perhaps I’m a bit bipolar in my intelligence? 

So, lately I have been having a tough time organizing my thoughts.  It’s been a crazy few months in my life and with the way my slightly helter-skelter mind works, having less organization in my outer life does not help me mentally at all.  Yeah, this is pretty obvious, and I know about, say, 100% of people work this way, but it’s nice to realize it.  Every time I do my normal mind-chilling drills (hanging in the woods, working out, writing, etc.) nothing seems to work.  The woods are still awesome as ever, but it hasn’t been working.  My workouts are going great, been making solid gains and dropping fat, but my mind is still the same.  And my writing, well, pretty clear it hasn’t gotten better at all. 

I would say that about 5-6 nights a week I sit down at my computer, scan over the ever-growing list of topics I want to write about, have some great thoughts and ideas and just sit at the blank sheet of computer screen paper for about 10 minutes before standing up and walking away.  You might call it writer's block.  But I’m no writer.  Perhaps a lack of motivation?  No, I don’t feel like that at all, and there is MORE than enough inspiration around for me to write hundreds of pages.  So what the hell could it be?  Well, I figured it out.  I don’t want to share.

So much of who I am is the desire to share my thoughts and ideas with as many people as I can.  For those of you who haven’t heard, my goal in life is to do fun, adventurous, crazy things, and share my experiences with the world.  I simply want to do, and share, that is all.  But right now I just don’t want to share anything with all of you.  Perhaps that sounds rude, or selfish, or I don’t know what, but it’s the truth. 

I’ve always thought of my mind like this huge warehouse lined with shelves upon shelves of thoughts and ideas.  Generally I am pretty good at knowing where things are and keeping everything organized.  Over the years this warehouse has grown to be a bit bigger than I can handle, but I have learned to adapt.  I have figured out a way to very quickly find the shelves I need when specifically inspired.  And, every now and then, I might be a bit slow to find the shelf, but I generally do.  Right now it seems as though someone has broken into my warehouse and decided it would be fun to knock a few of these shelves over.  I didn’t know things were such a mess until I finally sacked up and realized I would actually have to personally head deep inside and start to pick things up, one at a time, and put it all back together.  You still with me, dear readers?  And this is MY process, the thing that only I can do, alone. 

For quite some time now I have been feeling guilty about not writing on a regular basis like I used to.  I've also been feeling guilty about not being my normal focused and positively energetic self.  But I shouldn’t feel that way.  I should accept that there is a mess, head on back with understanding and patience, and clean it all up.  And while I’m doing so I should not expect to live my life exactly how I did a couple years ago when things were running so smoothly.  I will get there.  There are TONS of things to be grateful and happy for each and every day right now.  So, I will enjoy those things while I’m on my break from cleaning things. 

Well, this got a little darker than planned.  But as I made clear when I started, I just sit down and the words come out.  But perhaps you all have a better understanding as to why it’s tough for me to write on the regular sometimes.  And perhaps it has allowed you all to sit back and think about your own lives, and how you deal with “messy” situations in your own head.  Do you actually clean them up?  Or do you just walk away and try to find a new room to live in?  Well, if you have some faith in my theories, let me tell you a truth that I firmly believe in: you CAN’T walk away and find a new room.  The mess will be there for the rest of your life.  If you don’t pursue a clean mind, you will never have a clean life.  And I know, that can mean very different things to each and every person, and that’s the point.  Take all this and use it in your own life.  See what happens.

Never Stop, GET FIT.

Josh Courage